"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"
I keep replaying that excerpt in my head. I can't help but think that its a very good question, and a very familiar scenario. A scenario I am hopelessly stuck re-experiencing daily. A question I cannot answer fully.
I miss my two oldest kids. I'm wondering what prompts a man to not only ignore my last messages to him that were sent in efforts to see the kids, but also block future attempts to message him as well. I'm not his keeper so I don't know when he did this, but I do know he also felt compelled to block my fiance in the process. Turns out after eight years of marriage, eight years of never even attempting to understand me, he's too cowardly to even let me talk to him. He seems to be mistaken if he thinks I actually want to speak to him. I spent eight years listening to his inane yammering. I just want to speak to my children; the two older siblings of my now one month old son.
Mommy life is awesome, but there's a hole in my heart with my oldest babies being held from me.
I know I fucked up to cause this in the first place. But a far bigger fuck up than anything I may have done, was trusting that my ex actually wanted to "help" until I "got shit together." I've made my peace with my own actions. Can he make peace with his? How much are two kids ever going to be able to respect a man that purposely kept them from their mother, and baby brother, by blocking communications? And they will find out.... They wont be children forever. That loss of respect is something that I would have never wished on him; as no matter how much I think he looks like a cast reject from Jersey Shore, and generally lacks intelligence, I still don't dislike him that much. But it's his choice I suppose.
Beyond that, I'm upset. I don't know if I have PMS, or what. Or maybe I'm just in a funk. I want to draw, but every time I go to do it, I find myself in an overwhelming mood of "fuck it." Same with homework. I don't know if it's a temporary creative void, or something more serious. Hoping it changes. I just know I'm not the same person I usually am. Not the same person I should be. But I guess at least I'm not the person I once was.
